I have come to the conclusion that I have no valid reason to be sad or depressed, logically I'm just a baby and have been having what I can only assume are mood swings brought on by my own illogical thinking. In my head I've been thinking that today was awful, a bad day, and that this excuses the fact that I am what I would refer to as "sullen." The only reason I can think of for this general attitude that has prevailed along on my heels all day is that my sense of justice has been consistently broken throughout the day. To preface, I have a problem with illogical acts, especially those that violate what I think of as "justice." For instance, if you take something from somewhere, say you borrow a hammer from the toolbox that is not yours, if you don't put it back where you found it when you are done with it, you have violated the code of justice. Also, if you ask for a favor then you should return that favor as well or do something equatable. If I clean your dishes, you should do my laundry, or my dishes. If I buy you something, then you should buy me something. Simple, like the code of Hammurabi.
To get to the point of my sullenness, of which I am still trying to ascertain. Recapping the day's events. I got up and was interrupted from taking a shower by the neighbor who wanted something that he lent to one of the houses' occupants back right at that moment. I was not going to answer the door, not being clothed appropriately but his knocking was so incistent that I did and it turns out the item he lended was not returned in a prompt manner-strike 1 against the code of justice. The item had not been in use or needed for several days. After my shower I ran some errands. I spent over $100 on contacts because I have none and my prescription is going to expire soon. Don't even get me started on the 1-year contract scam and me having to pay over $100 just to legally* buy contacts when my eyes can't even stand anything but the most expensive type and I only bought a 3 month supply. Strike 2-spending money I don't think I have or should be spending but feel is necessary to be spending. I got my tax return-nothing. The government took nearly $1000 of my slaving (I worked more than 800 hours last year to support my education and living expenses and really did not mismanage any of that). So I'm apparently making so much money that the government won't even give me the tax back that I should be getting back being a student! They already took social security and medicaid, big whoop I want my 343 back please. I work really hard taking more than the normal amount of classes and working my butt off nearly 20 hours a week last year and I don't get any of that back???!!! What is that money gonna do for the government? It would certainly make my life easier and justice says that making slightly above poverty level (10830 in 2010 for Florida). So apparently because I make above* poverty I can give more money and I don't know, pay 3500 last semester for my education, not to mention living expenses. Big STRIKE 3.
After fuming over the governmental discrepancy I visited my boyfriend at his workplace and was sad that he didn't have time to say more than a simple and fast hi to me. I stopped in at Nikki's and surprised her boyfriend by walking right in his room (his dad said I could-well he really said that "their probably sleeping, just go pound on the door). We went to Goodwill and Nicole got a dress and I purchased part of my pokeman costume. It makes me jealous seeing how thoughful C is of Nikki and always trying to please her and trying. Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend gets too distracted by his own problems to pay attention to me enough. It's not enought that he is just there, he has to make me feel special and always be thinking of my needs and wants when we're together, which doesn't happen when he's preoccupied with his car, which is why I have a grudge against his damn car. His car has gotten more attention lately than I feel that I have. Any relationship has a base amount of attention but I want more and I expect more and I feel that I deserve more and when I don't get it I feel depressed and sad. When I see my best friend getting that special attention, that babying when she doesn't feel well, it makes me jealous and just more sad. Not to mention I was not even near my boyfriend and could not get reassurance from him that everything is alright, that I'm beautiful, "is there anything I can do for you?" etc. I feel like I say that phrase often, "is there anything else I can do for you?" I want to hear that more from others.
Being a waittress and practically doting on others makes me jealous. I want that kind of attention, especially from my boyfriend, who proclaims that he wants me to be happy. He has the ability to influence my happiness. and right now, I'm not happy, which is ridiculous. I feel that I'm just giving in to my morose feelings of despair and angst but I can't seem to find the appeasement and logic in my conclusions.
I was slightly late to work because my clockl on my computer is an hour behind and I got preoccupied talking to my mom. I couldn't find my phone for a couple of hours and work was not helpful at all. The biggest justice breaker always happens at work it seems. I got skipped over being sat several times because on "slow" nights we have no hostess and it seems no one else can count and whenver the cough cough owner seats I think he just puts people in the nearest available table and then doesn't even mark down the count. Justice was certainly violated and I got really upset, but work is not supposed to be fun so why am I complaining? I do have fun talking with customers and doing my job well but when I get my tips a lot of the time justice is undone because I get crap tips. If you don't even have the decency to tip %15 on a job done fine then get the you know what out and don't go out to eat if you can't afford to tip that extra dollar or two. Everyone should be tipping at least %18 and 20% if they liked the service, which happens in most cases but still I seem to get %14 more so than 20% lately.
This ranting is not very helpful so I'm going to stop for now and do some homework to cheer myself up because I feel bogged down and getting some done might help me feel accomplished at least...
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