I'm bored

my entertainment should include:

a. gummy worms
b. oreos
c. alcohol
d. rollerblades
e. tv time
f. psych study research
g. gre practice
h. combination of the above

???

blog2print

I will do this. Mark this post as the day I decided my blog will eventually be printed (time count starting.....now!)


p.s. Christmas gift, anyone?

holes in mah pants

Funny story.

I was walking back from the library (about a 7 minute walk down a central promenade at school) after having walked the same route to the library, walked about in the library, been to class, and been at the front of the classroom with half the class scrutinizing me and not one person be they friend, classmate, or stranger told me that I had 2 inches of bright blue underwear showing at the crotch of my "great free table find" black capris. My theories are thus, 1. no-one noticed, 2. some people noticed but didn't say anything 3. this being the college I go to people thought it was intentional. My bet lies with a combination of 1 and 3. My solution? Go back to the free table, find a pair of shorts that fit and dump the nearly crotchless capris in the garbage.

True story.

This is not the first time I have had issues with holes in my pants and not noticing for the longest time.

refund

I got my refund for school. Doesn't quite make up for the amount I recently spent so that I can get to school and back (car). This makes me sad and anxious for future financial concerns. Will I be able to support myself? Will I be able to afford school and expenses next year without using all my savings?

Conclusion: money sucks. I feel so incredibly anxious when I have money related thoughts. Do I even spend money on frivolous things? What constitutes frivolity anyways? If it makes me happy and less stressed then is it really frivolous because psychologically it was worth it, right?

I feel like every semester I look at the money I spent on school, the money I have left designated for school and all the stuff I want to buy and my stomach just squeezes.

What do I even want to buy? big things recently (teeth cleaning without insurance, car fixing so I can be mobile, glasses for the first time in 6 years). Smaller things recently (food, snacks, dates, presents for people). Most of my disposable income goes to food and food related entertainment. Perhaps this could be mismanaging my resources but I like to go out too and I need quick snacks as well and I DO have to feed myself, in whatever manner that happens to be. Maybe if I was miserly and miserable I could only spend my money on necessary and cheap food options but I have this weird psychological effect that I DESERVE to go out and spend my money on food, that I DESERVE to have a good time, and that I DESERVE to do what other normal people anywhere and my age do. It gets especially bad when I work and see other people come in to my restaurant and have a good time and spend money on 'frivolous' food outings. I want that. I want to be the one having fun. Perhaps I just have too much time to be hungry for fancy food. The dilemma becomes then, if I do deserve this food and times then do I spend the extra money on it?

turn signals

why aren't you using them, silly snowbirds, are you that lost? come on people!

Alaska

I feel honored

words

It impresses me when you throw rare/interseting words into your daily conversations..

The way you say regardless...

It's so easy to find something that you'll like because you have so many specific things that you like, unlike me, who likes many general things but not everything in that category so it's hit or miss...

I just want to give you everything you want but I want you to already have everything you need...

Vulnerability is cute, helplessness is not...

psychologically speaking...

random

I had all sorts of thoughts I wanted to write down before I pulled up my empy new post page. Now that it sits in front of me (slowly being filled with nonsense) I have no inspirations so I will just write free form. I remember there being a definition for this type of writing but it slips my mind at the moment. Speaking of which, many things have been slipping my mind recently but I know that I have that knowledge. Did I fall on my head recently or kill a bunch of brain cells in the recent past? I don't remember doing either but then again if I did I probably wouldn't remember now would I? Anywho, I did not know that frakking was a word, but then I saw this youtube parody of some video (which also seems to escape my mind at the moment) where they used the word frakking instead of something else of which I will not mention.

I am at school, waiting. I came here needlessly, other than for lunch, because Spanish table seems to be pretty non-existant on Fridays. Gr. I didn't feel like going to the dance tutorial audition for the Whip My Hair piece because I'm in the pokeman dance and the step piece and don't want to be doing too much. I went to the first practice for the step and liked it a lot! I have a feeling that up to speed, most of the moves will be difficult for me and I will be awkward but I resolve to practice! yay! I don't really know what to expect for the other piece but I think practice will start next week. So now I can't work thursdays because dance tutorial practice is on Thursday evenings. So that makes Thursdays and Fridays can't work (I volunteer until about 5:30/6 on Fridays) and I told my manager not to put me on Sundays either so that I can get all my homework done if need be before my two classes on Mondays.

I rather like my schedule, it seems to work out nicely. I have time to goof off and be with my boyfriend and friend but plenty of time to get all my schoolwork done and have time to work and make a little bit of money. I want to add thesis preparation and fulbright application to this mix as well, but at my leisure since I have plenty of time.

ooh! Dodgeball tonight plus I might think of joining the league!

Car

I am privileged to have a car. Not every person has a car. I love having a car and up until recently I loved my car, it was reliable without major problems or issues, it gets great miles to the gallon, it is clean, sizeable, the back seats come down,  I can fit my bike in the trunk. However, my elation and ignorant euphoria came to an end recently when my transmission died and I am buying a new one, the cost of which is more than equivalent to my refund check from school. Once again I will worry about my monthly expenses, even while living at my parent's house, not as involved in campus life, with pre-thesis worries. I'm just stressed about several things, my car-will it have major or minor issues in the future, my academic life- what will my thesis be on, will I have a sponsor, will I be able to do it in the proper amount of time, my financial life-can I live off of what I earn, etc.

coffee makes me hallucinate

Caffein is a drug. I have been documenting the effects of caffein, specifically through the use of coffee, on my mood, physiology, mental thinking, ability to concentrate, hyperness, etc. Basically I have just been observing the effects of coffee on my thoughts and actions based on amount, time of day, and mood prior to consumption. So far I have not been using very sound methodology, I have been randomly drinking coffee in random amounts and forms without specific documentation, just anecdotal documentation.

The results are as follows:
1. Jerky head motions
2. Feelings that my face has widened to encompass my abnormally wide eyes
3. inability to concentrate
4. increased feelings of calm and acceptance
5. increased tiredness of the body but alertness of the mind
6. being paranoid
7. etc? what is going on????

Coffee is fun but I don't think I can use it like the common abuser. So far the most efficient use of caffeine for me is at work, it makes me hyper fast and I don't mind all the stupid/excessive complaining/annoying customers as much as usual, I don't like to stand still so look like a better employee always doing something or moving. (The trick to being a good employee is not to BE a good employee but to LOOK like a good employee).

In regards to the title: I truly think coffee makes me hallucinate, at least as far as hearing is concerned. I seem to hear things that don't exist. The world also looks different, in a way that is not easily described by me.

Should I be drinking coffee? Perhaps not in circumstances where I would need complete lasting concentration, such as when I need to study. This means that I can't do all nighters, they are very non-efficient for me because I don't work well when I am tired but to counteract the tiredness I won't be able to concentrate, i.e. not worth the trouble.

blogging

Blogging is my way of letting out my anger and emotions so that I don't smack you in the face you stupid fracking d-bags.

fracking smokers

Seriously guys?!?!!!

This is an open letter to all those smokers who fracking don't pay attention to where they are smoking. Seriously guys? I know you are out in the "open" but your smoke is still in my face. Thanks a lot. When I want to have smoke in my face and breathe it in I will TAKE UP SMOKING myself. Thanks so much for polluting my air when I have decidedly chosen not to smoke for THIS VERY REASON. Also, don't smoke 2 feet from the doors of a business because the smoke lingers at the door and I have to walk through it to get inside. Every time I have to walk through your putrid air to get to my destination I'm going to give you the nastiest look possible and deliberately hold my breathe when I am near you, you fracking d-bag.

parking practice

I've been driving for approximately 5 years now. I need to practice my parking skills. I want to be able to fancy park under pressure. I want to be able to perfectly 1. parallel park 2. back into a spot and 3. regular park. So far I can perfectly do number 3 and adequately do numbers 1 and 2. I have decided that for a week, every other time that I park I will do it backwards. I have already started and so far results are good. I need to work on making more side on the driver's side than on the passenger side. I also want to practice parking in between two cars more often. I'm excited!

passion

Sometimes I worry about myself. I feel what I would call dispassionate in life. I go around admiring those who have passions or are passionate, borderline fanatical, about something. For some it is dance, for others cars, and still others soccer. This one thing or several things they would drop everything for, they go out of their way to be around this one thing. For the soccer fan, he would play every day and dress in soccer garb all day every day and watch soccer and kick random things on the ground, and relate even his academic inquiries with soccer. He love(d) soccer. I want this passion. Instead I have realized that I trade activities, that I don't keep up or continue anything. It is nice to be proficient in many things but it says something about a person when they are passionate about certain things. It's hard to decide who a person really is, if they divide their interests and aren't completely into anything they do. In any given moment they might feel joy and involvement in what they are doing, but it is not really passion.

I have played the violin, the piano, juggled, volunteered at a science museum, belly-danced, crocheting, coin collecting, rock collecting, danced the salsa, etc. It was only when I was looking at components of the Fulbright (a scholarship I'm going to be gunning for) where it asked for extra-curricular activities outside of classes, that I realized I had been dispassionate. Don't get me wrong, there are things I really like doing but I wouldn't drop everything to do them or work hard over long periods of time to do them, maybe once or twice. One such activity comes to mind: dodgeball. I love dodgeball but I wouldn't tell work to never schedule me Fridays so that I could go every week, only when convenience allows me the day off do I do it. I don't drop everything, it is not my passion.

I want to be passionate, I don't want to keep trading up activities. Maybe I just haven't found my passion but I'm more worried that I'm afraid to be passionate, to hold onto something so hard that I find myself depressed if I can't or don't have it. If I get to fanatical about dodgeball what happens after New College?  Dodgeball is not my lifestyle.

I have this same fear for pets and places. I am not connected intimately with any place. I could make myself a home anywhere. I like my cat and I love my cat but any affectionate cat could replace Teddy if something were to happen to him. If I did cry at his loss, it wouldn't be for him specifically but for the absence of his presence/affection.

What I'm most afraid of is that I hold this same attitude for people. It has never been tested fully and I hope it never will be. When Nikki went into the army I was without a best friend and found myself alone a lot without someone to talk to, only one way letters that might get answered in two weeks but not a hug in that moment when I felt alone and in need of someone. I learned to cope. Perhaps this is the issue, that I've had to cope without things so much so that I'm independent of people, places, and pets. I don't need them emotionally, I have myself. But, I'm just not sure. I feel like half a person sometimes, without that human element, without my passion.

PCP costume

I know that I don't get responses to these posts but still, even with the questions I seem to post to you (the reader-I know there are some of you) help me work through my thoughts.

I want to be a super-hero. Either I want to be something witty and clever and pertaining to the theme of Neverland (i.e. "Peter Pan") or something witty and clever or something peope would instantly recognize. I was coming up with themes/names for my persona and came up with a few: Generic Super-Hero, Your Average Super-Hero, No So Super, MLIA, The Average Jane, Shots Girl, The SRQ, Purple Haze, The Purple Snitch...

So my costume will be black spandex like material covering my torso, legs, and arms. I will be wearing purple shiny shorts over the black spandex and I will have a black cape. I'm thinking I want to make a purple/black mask, like two holes cut in the fabric. I might also want a hat or head covering thing or if I go with Purple Haze maybe a fro? I don't know if I want gloves. I might adorn the black material with some pruple embellishments. I want to put  the emblem of my super-hero on my chest I think. Other than this I don't know what. I guess I can see a pattern here... I know that I won't be able to have a super power that I can demonstrate unless it's something like Shots Girl (doing shots) or The Purple Snitch (being fast?). This is where the average line of super-hero names comes in because If I'm average there are no expectations for fancy schmancy super powers, amirite?

Pics from PCP or when the costume is complete to follow!

the piano and Philip Glass

I need to get back into the practicing habit. Albeit difficult now because I really only like to practice on a real piano and I can't play the piano at volume if there are people sleeping in the house, and right now that covers nearly the whole day. My brother goes to bed early, like 8:30/9 ish every night, even on weekends. My step dad sleeps during the day most days because he works at night. What time does that leave me with? I think that I want to re-memorize Philip Glass Metamorphosis 1 and 3, Ginastera, and Fantasy in d minor and work on that jazzy piece again. It's amazing that I still have muscle memory for parts of these pieces when I haven't played them in months. I love the piano.

spontaneity is when preparation meets opportunity

You know that feeling of accomplishment that comes from the realization that "holy shit, I made this happen." Pardon the 'grammar' but that's the exact wording that comes to mind whenever I apply my spontaneity and preparation. There is that saying, always be prepared because you never know when the opportunity will be there and if you are ready you will be able to grab that opportunity and rock it for all its worth.

There are several instances I can recall where I had that oh wow "holy shit, I made this happen" kind of moment. The most recent one is my current "tutorial" for New College i.e. my volunteer position at a children's pediatric clinic. You might think I'm earning experience to become a nurse or a doctor. The "medical student" tag and scrubs I will be wearing would corroborate this notion, however, my original intention is to practice Spanish.

I decided that I am tired of academic spanish classes that are more literary analysis oriented and grueling and tedious for me, a non-native spanish speaker and non-literature student. I had this dream of applying my Spanish and getting real world practice. I would kind of generalize this dream without any specific ideas in mind on how to accomplish it, like as in most dreams. However, there are those times in life where I just get that extra motivation. For me it was the realization in mini classes that if I didn't do something I would have to take the advanced spanish class. Don't get me wrong I love the professor and the class did look interesting, but it's not what I'm going for, not how I want to apply my Spanish language skills. So, using my preparation in Spanish and at New College for being a 'go-getter' I got the opportunity to volunteer at the clinic. I set it up myself. I got a list of possibilities from another professor at New College, of sociology, who happens to be on leave now. I called 2 churches, an organization, and the clinic, all about volunteer positions involving me somehow practicing my spanish and voila, two days later I had a casual appointment set up to meet Dr. F at the clinic.

I'm the proud creator of the applied medical spanish tutorial. I volunteer 4-5 hours a week on Friday afternoons at the clinic. My goal is to become familiar with common medical terms in Spanish as well as how to direct and talk to patients with medical concerns. Most importantly I would like to gain confidence in speaking with native Spanish speakers whereas they would not even know that Spanish is not my first language. I would also like to be proficient in basic nursing work, such as forms, procedures, and taking vitals on a patient. This is going to be an awesome experience and I'm so excited!

My first day was awesome. I 'floated' as they call it with Mo. He was a great teacher and still a student himself. He actually let me take the heart rate and respiratory rate on a patient and didn't even check my numbers! He also let me take several children's weight. I got to carry around a stethoscope and proudly tout my "medical student" tag. There is SO MUCH TO LEARN!

Gdawg

I should probably update this blog on the current status of my romantic life, since I did cite boys as a major source of obsession in my personal writings. Did I mention I love boys? I might have once or twice. I've just been so busy with my boyfriend that I have yet to update this sucker. So, I have a boyfriend. He is simply awesome. I don't think I'm comfortable posting personal details about someone else online so I will leave it simply at that and of my thoughts on the matter. I see this as going somewhere, long term. As much as this scares the hell out of me, as much as my foggy academic/career future does, the certainty I have in an uncertainty makes me leary. I want to be more than just mentally and emotionally invested and it frightens me because this is a new thought, to be wholly decided and sure about something that in the past has not been certain. I still think that I need to see more of the flaws, work through problems, be upset or annoyed by more. Reactions are great indicators and I need more of them. For both of us, I think that is what this relationship needs.

On a less thoughtful/solemn note, I'm working on this great Valentine's day gift. I can't talk about it because this blog is open to anyone and I don't want to ruin the surprise. I'm so excited, it's going to be fantastic! Plus, this will be my first ever Valentine's that I am in a relationship. Unfortunately my expectations are kind of high. I want it to be unusual but standard. I don't want flowers or chocolates or stuffed animals, that is generic crap. I want it to be taylored to my personal interests and likes. I want it to be involved in a way that it took time and effort to make happen flawlessly. I can't wait. Plus you know, reduced price chocolate on February 15th.

setttling into life again

Every semester it seems lately that I go through anxiety over my overarching life plans. What the hell am I doing with my life? Whomever I talk to is able to influence what I think I will be doing in life. If I talk about future plans with my (now ex) advisor of Spanish I think I might end up doing something with Spanish. If I'm talking to one of my psychology professors, I lean towards graduate school. Recently I was talking to a doctor at this clinic I will be volunteering at and I got the notion in my head that I could have M.D. following my name, because "you can do anything if M.D. follows your name." That was shortlived because I'm not really a nat sci type of person. The truth is I really don't know what I will be doing or where I will be living. Dar is in New York paving a path out of nothing, really brave of her to grab at her dreams. I'm really scared of that uncertainty. I don't want to work at F's or a restaurant like it after I graduate. I look at people who have graduated college or university and go back to working low-paying low-degree of training or work needed jobs and I get really scared now. I never want to entertain the thought that "that could be me." I want to do something and be somebody. All my current plans involve are figuring out what the heck I'm going to be doing next year for a thesis and applying for a fulbright. That's easy, a year where I don't have to worry about what I'm doing in life, putting off the eventuallity of a life career or lack thereof. If I don't get a fulbright I want to apply or look into other programs where I can study or teach or research or work in another country, preferably a Spanish speaking one, but hey I don't mind picking up another language. My real fear is that I will settle into a dead end job like I have now at F's, readers, please NEVER let me fall into that pattern.