100th post apparently, wow

I have come to the conclusion that I have no valid reason to be sad or depressed, logically I'm just a baby and have been having what I can only assume are mood swings brought on by my own illogical thinking. In my head I've been thinking that today was awful, a bad day, and that this excuses the fact that I am what I would refer to as "sullen." The only reason I can think of for this general attitude that has prevailed along on my heels all day is that my sense of justice has been consistently broken throughout the day. To preface, I have a problem with illogical acts, especially those that violate what I think of as "justice." For instance, if you take something from somewhere, say you borrow a hammer from the toolbox that is not yours, if you don't put it back where you found it when you are done with it, you have violated the code of justice. Also, if you ask for a favor then you should return that favor as well or do something equatable. If I clean your dishes, you should do my laundry, or my dishes. If I buy you something, then you should buy me something. Simple, like the code of Hammurabi.

To get to the point of my sullenness, of which I am still trying to ascertain. Recapping the day's events. I got up and was interrupted from taking a shower by the neighbor who wanted something that he lent to one of the houses' occupants back right at that moment. I was not going to answer the door, not being clothed appropriately but his knocking was so incistent that I did and it turns out the item he lended was not returned in a prompt manner-strike 1 against the code of justice. The item had not been in use or needed for several days. After my shower I ran some errands. I spent over $100 on contacts because I have none and my prescription is going to expire soon. Don't even get me started on the 1-year contract scam and me having to pay over $100 just to legally* buy contacts when my eyes can't even stand anything but the most expensive type and I only bought a 3 month supply. Strike 2-spending money I don't think I have or should be spending but feel is necessary to be spending. I got my tax return-nothing. The government took nearly $1000 of my slaving (I worked more than 800 hours last year to support my education and living expenses and really did not mismanage any of that). So I'm apparently making so much money that the government won't even give me the tax back that I should be getting back being a student! They already took social security and medicaid, big whoop I want my 343 back please. I work really hard taking more than the normal amount of classes and working my butt off nearly 20 hours a week last year and I don't get any of that back???!!! What is that money gonna do for the government? It would certainly make my life easier and justice says that making slightly above poverty level (10830 in 2010 for Florida). So apparently because I make above* poverty I can give more money and I don't know, pay 3500 last semester for my education, not to mention living expenses. Big STRIKE 3.

After fuming over the governmental discrepancy I visited my boyfriend at his workplace and was sad that he didn't have time to say more than a simple and fast hi to me. I stopped in at Nikki's and surprised her boyfriend by walking right in his room (his dad said I could-well he really said that "their probably sleeping, just go pound on the door). We went to Goodwill and Nicole got a dress and I purchased part of my pokeman costume. It makes me jealous seeing how thoughful C is of Nikki and always trying to please her and trying. Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend gets too distracted by his own problems to pay attention to me enough. It's not enought that he is just there, he has to make me feel special and always be thinking of my needs and wants when we're together, which doesn't happen when he's preoccupied with his car, which is why I have a grudge against his damn car. His car has gotten more attention lately than I feel that I have. Any relationship has a base amount of attention but I want more and I expect more and I feel that I deserve more and when I don't get it I feel depressed and sad. When I see my best friend getting that special attention, that babying when she doesn't feel well, it makes me jealous and just more sad. Not to mention I was not even near my boyfriend and could not get reassurance from him that everything is alright, that I'm beautiful, "is there anything I can do for you?" etc. I feel like I say that phrase often, "is there anything else I can do for you?" I want to hear that more from others.

Being a waittress and practically doting on others makes me jealous. I want that kind of attention, especially from my boyfriend, who proclaims that he wants me to be happy. He has the ability to influence my happiness. and right now, I'm not happy, which is ridiculous. I feel that I'm just giving in to my morose feelings of despair and angst but I can't seem to find the appeasement and logic in my conclusions.

I was slightly late to work because my clockl on my computer is an hour behind and I got preoccupied talking to my mom. I couldn't find my phone for a couple of hours and work was not helpful at all. The biggest justice breaker always happens at work it seems. I got skipped over being sat several times because on "slow" nights we have no hostess and it seems no one else can count and whenver the cough cough owner seats I think he just puts people in the nearest available table and then doesn't even mark down the count. Justice was certainly violated and I got really upset, but work is not supposed to be fun so why am I complaining? I do have fun talking with customers and doing my job well but when I get my tips a lot of the time justice is undone because I get crap tips. If you don't even have the decency to tip %15 on a job done fine then get the you know what out and don't go out to eat if you can't afford to tip that extra dollar or two. Everyone should be tipping at least %18 and 20% if they liked the service, which happens in most cases but still I seem to get %14 more so than 20% lately.

This ranting is not very helpful so I'm going to stop for now and do some homework to cheer myself up because I feel bogged down and getting some done might help me feel accomplished at least...

Friday night

no.

1. Drunk people are hilariously... stupid
2. I need to learn how to walk in heels without looking like a trucker
3. shots may not contain cinnamon flavor
4. you can't sneak it past them
5. yes you can
6. the hot girl was the bartender
7. it's hard to take you seriously when you talk with your mouth full and by "take you seriously" I mean find you attractive
8. I love these boots
9. man up or get out
10. a toga would have been more eye catching
11. the louder you are the drunker you appear
12. just smile and nod
13. what is with the tight pants and button up/down shirts
14. 1 girl for every 3 guys, hello Friday night
15. more cheese please

droll

rhymes with troll.

Save me from the monotony and routine.

I might just have to do something drastic to prove me wrong, like get another piercing, but I'm running out of polite society places.

I just want some things to change

sickliness

is in the air.
This stuffed up nose
Is too much to bare.
Benadryl, second dose
doesn't stay the boredom
of lying here
with taste so numb
so be a dear

Go away for another year

pampering

I would like to be a queen... but only for a day. Having to wait for someone to open the door of your car would get tedious. Every now and then, not too often though just so those few times are more special and "spontaneous", I like to be treated like a queen. I want the seat held out for me, the door opened, to be carried and driven to mysterious destinations. I guess what I really want is fantasy, where people and events don't really exist. Where there isn't traffic or lack of parking, where prices don't mysteriously go up or poof into existence. Well, that just sounds like blind ignorance. So what I want is to be blindfolded and taken somewhere unique where my every need is taken care of. Not only that, I want all my whims to be guessed correctly. I want my crazy fantasies to come true. I want to dress up for adventure.

Ice cream to me

Ice cream is only soothing as long as you are in the process of eating it, therefore logically I should just keep eating it, amiright?

if it's not chocolate, don't even bother

I can now say that I can eat an entire half-gallon of ice cream in one sitting, huzzah, what have you accomplished in the last 20 years?


Someday I want to own my own soft-serve ice cream machine

childhood nostalgia includes the sweet tune of the ice cream man, now I wish he wouldn't drive past my house 10 times in one day

vroom

Every time I hear a car or car-like sound I get all excited and listen closely for the telltale crunch of tires on the gravel driveway. I miss you.

you're in trouble!!!!

Boy did I feel like I was in trouble and had done something wrong when in class Nat looked at me and said "Rachel Barnard brought it." Using my whole name, first and last, phew! That makes it sound like I did something bad! He then went on to explain, "Oh, it's just water." To explain, I had brought green food coloring and shared it before class so those drinking water could season (teehee pun!) it up.

wait 'til I buy my first house

I just realized something. Second mortgage. I always wondered why people were always skipping the first and taking out a "second mortgage." The FIRST was when they bought the house....

TIO theory

My parents influenced so much in the way I think and do. One of these I employ whenever I'm not feeling up to something, either something that's been thrown at me or something I need to do. Last night I employed the TIO theory, or rather the concept of Tough It Out. I was at work and a malfunctioning door slammed into my head pretty hard. I had dropped half of what I was carrying (forks and napkins and such) while managing to hold onto the two plates I was holding. It was quite loud and I finished walking into the kitchen, dazed and in a bit of pain. Now, I like to say that I have a very low tolerance to pain because in actuality I secretly think that I have a less humble opinion of my pain tolerance but this hurt. It hurt so bad tears came to my eyes and I walked back and forth for at least a minute trying not to burst out with anything (obscenity wise or gushing tear wise) while half the staff came over and asked me if I was ok. If I'm perfectly ok and able to say say I will sure say so right away. If I'm in a bit of pain I will not say anything because it's difficult to gather enough concentration to form the words and not start blubbering and having a pity party. If I'm in complete pain I would probably be unconscious and unable to speak. I was in the second category and just shook my head a bit in the affirmative. I was slightly dazed and could feel that energy pain emits radiating from the spot on my head that had been bashed. After I had recovered a bit I walked over to the manager and told her the door needed to be fixed. I seemed ok but a headache was developing and I felt "slightly out of it." That feeling when you can't concentrate completely but not because you are thinking of something else or getting distracted, because there is a kind of white noise inside your head. I thought it was funny when I texted Heather about having what I deemed a mild concussion and she asked if I had gone to the hospital. What a novel idea, going to the hospital for a minor bump! Instead what I had done was work for another hour and a half before going home and taking an aspirin and icing my head. This is the TIO I'm talking about, when there is no reason to go to hysterics and jump to conclusions and quit completely. TIO means to continue unless it is unnecessary and compromising. I was fine, just slightly disoriented and had a headache, two symptoms I've experienced plenty of times in other circumstances. There is a point where measures need to be taken but I didn't feel like I had to be taking them so I didn't. I guess when I told her it was a "mild concussion" she took that to an extreme because the word concussion generally refers to something that is not mild. To be clear, there is no set in stone definition of a concussion but generally...

A mild concussion may involve no loss of consciousness (feeling "dazed") or a very brief loss of consciousness (being "knocked out")


I had not lost consciousness but I had experienced the other symptoms so I'm going to continue to call it a mild concussion. It's now a great excuse as to the performance on my exam this morning. That and I didn't go to sleep for a bit for fear of not waking up, ever. 


As for workplace injury, I'm not dead or permanently disabled nor do I know any long or short term effects of what happened so really there is no case, nor is there a need for one. 

asinine

this word has been running through my mind and I'm not sure what prompted it:

asinine [ˈæsɪˌnaɪn]

adj

1. obstinate or stupid

2. (Life Sciences & Allied Applications / Zoology) resembling an ass

flames

My dream last night ended in fire. Not the hot burning passion one would love to be enveloped in but the spitting flames of a dreaded nightmare. I was in my neighborhood and walked to a local ex-friend's house. This ex-friend has a brother and a dad that we would sometimes lovingly refer to as sasquatch because he was so candidly big. As if in a drunken stupor all I recall is sweeping their garage and talking about things before I set off around the neighborhood. Mine is filled with houses and nothing more for roads and roads but I happened upon a clinic, much like the one I currently volunteer at. I'm not sure what I was doing there but suddenly there were flames and a broiling fire brimming at every corner. I was trapped inside and ran down every corridor, of which there were many, and all ended in dead ends. I could not escape. The next thing I was aware of was being hot and uncomfortable, in bed, and it was 5am.

my concept of money

I want to be rich. Someday when I have a career job and make more than below poverty and can afford nice things and not be worried at spending or having to spend money, I will have a new concept of money. For now my concept of money is as follows. Dollars are come and go, they don't really mean much. I exchange them so often at my job and they really can't buy much of anything. A dollar I could shred and not shed too many a tear or engage in some psychological experiment with-muahaha. Ten dollars is a bigger deal. Ten dollars is an hour or more of effort to obtain. Ten dollars doesn't just slide off the hand so easily. Ten can be well spent though but with at least a little thought put in. Now, $100 is another story. I never like to see that much money leave in so short a time, it requires much prior thought and strain to the brain to make sure it is well spent. This is a BIG deal folks. Getting even bigger, a thousand. I have no concept of this much money, it is just too much at one time for my puny little brain to comprehend.

When I'm old and rich and $1000 is what I make in a week (rather than longer than a month), it will become more of a concept I can understand (and enjoy). I can then throw $100's at one meal and not blink too hard. I can buy shoes at $100 a pop without waiting 3 months in forethought and savings. I will have a wallet stuffed with $100's and not $1's when I go places. I can go to restaurants and tip $10 on dinky little $5-$20 snacks or drinks and not feel like my wallet has been scavenged. I can afford to buy christmas presents that cost more than the shipping of said gifts. I can save for a year to buy a fancy car and not glasses (why would I need to when I can afford Lasik?)

so much to say

that can't be said because these things can't be unsaid or rather, unwritten. All I can say is I'm not happy. Please fix this asap.

Where is my emotional support?

psych ftw

There should not be mathematical equations within psychological studies, what am I, a nat sci student?

potential

If there is neither growth nor learning, there is no point.

The Wedding

I had a dream last night about a wedding. One of my friends from high school on the fly told me that I should come to his wedding and of course I said yes. It didn't surprise dream-me at all that my 20 year old friend was getting married in the middle of his academic life. The next day I was in school and a lot of people I knew from high school were there and we were all talking about Pat getting married to the girlfriend he has in not-dreamland. These so called friends of his had gotten real invitations but I had just gotten invited on the fly. Suddenly Pat's brother comes up to our group in his fancy white tux with that weird floofy man stuff where a tie would be and sits down among us. "Are you excited?" I asked him, and he said "yes, I can't wait."

I was walking somewhere and this girl in a army uniform walks up to me and looks me straight in the face, "You don't have to go to the wedding." she says to me. "No, I want to go. Pat's one of my good friends." I respond. "We don't want you there and I don't like your tone." she retorts so I say to her, "I respect authority but I AM going." I say. She harrumphs, whirls on her heels and storms away.

It was recess at school and we were all headed to this one area on campus. I decided I should head over to the wedding now and flew above everyone else to get to my car. I didn't know where the wedding was so I decided to just drive around to all these places that it could be in. Finally I found someone who told me where it was and I went there.

End dream.

life

Life is overcoming ego depletion which is why God created gummy worms.

Future life success

short term future goals:
this semester:
1. figure out financials for the upcoming year
2. sat all classes
3. figure out thesis subject and sponsor
4. get a new job

this summer:
1. fulbright application
2. pre-thesis research
3. road trip
4. take GRE

next year:
1. graduate
?????


My mom thinks I should re-take the Myers Briggs. The last time I took it was in my junior year of high school. Funny thing is, it tells me that both my current job and voluntary position are the two least attractive jobs for my personality: waitress and nurse's aid. My hypothesis is that it will have changed significantly, I have undergone extreme personal change and gone through significant life experiences in the last 3-4 years. We shall see.