me duele

You know, it does hurt. It hurts that you don't care to take a little time and seek out my attention. It hurts that you really never made that much effort. It hurts that I'm not worth that effort. I try not to let it hurt, but all I'm doing is deadening my reaction to future interests. I make up excuses for you all the time but still I see you making that effort for someone else and it just hurts inside and I want to go crawl into a little hole and be sad. I want to either disappear from the world while observing it or get hugs and cuddles. How is it that I want to be super social and super touchy-feely but at the same time hide from the world? Perhaps I just want to hide from my troubles but be comforted at the same time. I know you don't really care or don't have the capacity to understand or whatnot but still I just wish something would change. I want change. I want to wrench it from the distant future and stab it repeatedly until it relents to my control. I'm tired of being passive but I'm also tired and scared of being up front and in your face to get results, yet either way I'm not getting results. So, what's wrong? I'm too young? I go to a small college? I don't go out enough? I intimidate people? I don't want to play games, I don't want to wrap my mind around convoluted mating rituals. Just tell me straight up and you know what, most of the time I would say yes.